Deck the halls with balls of Kleenex! yes, it’s that most wonderful time of the year again…flu season! Once again, I neglected to get a flu shot, relying on my interferon pumped immune system to get me through the winter without a single day of bed rest. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of jinxing myself by pointing out to my wife that I haven’t had the flu or even a teensy cold (allergies don’t count right?) for the last TWO years! 48 hours later I woke up to find myself so fatigued and achy that I had to get back into bed, which suddenly reminds me of a song by Ian Dury and the Blockheads called Reasons to be Cheerful, where the back-up singers happily wail to a disco beat “Why doncha get back into bed? Why doncha get back into bed?”
Which is exactly what I did, and consequently had an unpaid (by me), unproductive (except for the New York Times crossword) sick day. Ick day. However, were it not for the compounded interest jinx fee I’d have to pay if I came right out and said that my immune system rallied true to form and handily defeated a battalion of tiny spiked tennis balls that are commonly known as influenza viruses, let me just say this: Vitamin C. And not just any form of Vitamin C either! Nosirree…none of those fake capsules and tablets that could be Vitamin F or U or K for all you know. No glass of juice (from concentrate) that’s strained to the point where you wouldn’t be able to guess what fruit it came from in a blind taste test. No, take it from a viral ninja tenth degree black&blue belt–only one daily supplement is required to keep you on your feet and hammering boards across all your doors and windows to fend off all the zombie hoards of flu sufferers who want what YOU have:
ORANGEBERRY! And brains. What kind of brains? The kind of brains that heat-seeks the very best in daily entertainment, courtesy of their kick-ass-take-names-big-bad-Book-of-Paul-blog-tour:
Check out the schedule and get your daily dose of madness, mayhem, pithy interview quips and insightful reviews (when they have 4 or 5 sheriff badges, not so much otherwise). There will also be tweets flying in a Twitterview and all kids of other non-flu related fun, so tune in, put on your surgical mask, grab the nearest hammer and get to work!
Plus, I’ll be providing daily DEADLY FLU UPDATES to keep you safe and germ free on Facebook and Twitter! So remember, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of fluids and overstuff yourself with plenty of ORANGEBERRY today, or THIS could happen to you:
Deadly Flu update: NYC, like many parts of the country has been struck, and perhaps stricken as well, with a DEADLY FLU. I’m not exactly sure how deadly it is, since I don’t watch televised news, but given the severity of every other dangerous things that can, will or does happen to people, I wanted to make sure that everyone takes extreme caution when interacting with other people, particularly school-children, because you know how germy they are. Really old people should be considered very high risk and all contact should be avoided. Minimum precautions include: face masks, hairnets, swimming caps, burkas, pepper spray, tasers and flamethrowers.
DEADLY FLU UPDATE 5:00 PM EST 1/15/13: New information coming in (from my imagination) indicates the flu could be bird-borne. We caution all citizens to avoid any proximity to chuckling green pigs, regardless of any defenses in place, including, but not limited to: wooden barricades, floating balloons, ice blocks, marble columns, concrete triangles and rock outcroppings. The white ones with the egg-flu bombs are particularly threatening. Steal pig-helmets if possible.
DEADLY FLU UPDATE 1:30 PM EST: More reports are coming in of: extreme sniffles, coughs, achiness, high fevers, disagreeableness, sweats, chills, “just rights”, can’t get out of bedism, pretending to have the flu because your sick days are use-em-or-lose em, comas, seizures, “the damp” (Irish only), remote control thumb bruising, death, re-animation and zombie apocalypse. All non-infected people are advised to remain indoors for an indefinite period of time and should stock up on fresh water, canned goods and pornography in the event of power outages and/or loss of internet access.
So stay safe, consume plenty of ORANGEBERRY! and look out for more critical flu updates that could SAVE YOUR LIFE!