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I enjoy sex. If there were a like button I’d press it. I like having sex, writing about sex, reading about sex and talking about sex. I like laughing about sex, too. Sex lends itself well to parody. Case in point — Hollywood movies. Every R-rated (non-splatter/torture porn/horror/war) movie has the obligatory sex scene — or two or three — which typically falls into two categories: the rip-each-other’s-clothes off–bang-against-the-fridge-because you’re so overcome with carnal lust you can’t even make it to the bedroom or a fairly comfortable piece of furniture; or the slow, grinding, warmly-lit, pelvis-thrusting bedroom copulation featuring numerous side-view close-ups of the star’s (or their body double’s) perfectly sculpted asses, pecs, breasts and panting, perspiring faces. Pleasssssse, just give me the cutaway to the equally cliché afterglow scene.
About to get carried away
Getting carried away
Getting way too carried away
Another innocent casualty
In the early days of porn (the John Holmes, Marylyn Chambers, Seka, Ron Jeremy years), the female porn stars were usually quite beautiful, while the male porn stars were almost uniformly grotesque – such as Ron Jeremy, aka “the hedgehog.” Equally disheartening, the feature length films all too often tried to replicate the cornball Hollywood plot trappings and mood-ring lighting, while raincoat-clad male theater patrons waited anxiously for the next sex scene, Kleenex gripped firmly in left hand. Fortunately, technology improved enough for peep shows to move in and get to the point quicker. Then video replaced film and DVDs replaced peep shows and the Internet replaced everything.
Not bad, not bad at all
Marilyn Chambers career arc
Bad, very bad: Ron Jeremy aka “The Hedgehog” in the glory days
Worse, much, much, much worse: The Hedgehog today. Note the selective chest waxing — a triumph of modern manscaping
Personally, I always preferred the stories. In the 70s, while John Holmes struggled to attain/maintain an erection in countless feature films, full-length erotic novels were being pumped-out in glorious profusion. BeeLine was an imprint I still recall.
Beeline novels: from the “Golden Age” of literary porn
A little less “golden”?
I prefer reading erotica for the same reason I enjoy writing it – I get to use my imagination – and people get to use their imaginations when they read my smutty scribblings.
Audience participation. Not so great in stand-up comedy clubs, excellent for erotica. I’m not quite sure whether the sex scenes included in The Book of Paul (or the dozens omitted from the published version) can really be classified as erotica, even though I’ve received numerous affirmations from readers who found them erotic. Actually, “hot” was the adjective most frequently used, though I write them as much for laughs as for bulge/lube effect. I’m posting one here that didn’t end up on the cutting room floor, where Martin helps Rose with her plugged sink — and puts the plumbing in.
To circle back to the movies, I had a comment that reminded me of a hollywood sex scene that was really good. Which made me think of one: I had to reach back for this but the hottest sex scene I ever saw in a mainstream movie was Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now. Sutherland denies that it was real (http://bit.ly/LREKXn) but the rumors still persist (http://bit.ly/N1DfoB)
The real deal? Sutherland and Christie burn up the celluloid.
Care to weigh in on the debate? Can you name a movie sex scene that actually was HOT?
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Richard Long writes to exorcize the demons of his past and manifest the dreams of his future. His debut novel, The Book of Paul, is a dark, thrilling, and psychologically rich supernatural horror/thriller that blends mythology, science and mystery into a page-turning addiction. Richard is also writing a YA novel, The Dream Palace, primarily so that his children can read his books. He lives in Manhattan with his wife, two amazing children and their wicked black cat, Merlin.
Website: → The Book of Paul
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This was hilarious. I particularly loved the stills from Fatal Attraction ending with the dead bunny! And yes, the Hollywood version of sex is ridiculous, with the smashing of plates and fine china, whole rooms being trashed… I always get caught up with wondering how many hours of housecleaning would be required afterwards. Probably not the reaction Hollywood was going for.
Funny post! But I suppose part of the fun could be the clean up afterward, LOL
Mops are ready! Thanks for the comment Kellie!
Great excerpts!
I prefer reading and writing erotica for the same reason, although watching the odd porn video can be fun (and inspire a writing frenzy). What I like about watching porn or sex scenes in movies is that no matter how serious the director always attempts to be, it is always laced with some level of cheese/chuckle factor – especially when your stuck watching a sex scene with your parents. The one exception I found was the wicked sex scene in 8 Mile. That was effing hot!
Great post!
Thanks! There are a few other exceptions to the sucky sex scenes rule. Digging way back — Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now. I’m not sure the original uncensured version is even still available but it was reaaaaaal.
Excellent exception to the cheese rule DC! I had forgotten about that!
In the sex scene I did with Donald Sutherland, it was totally real. Just fyi.
Hello!
@Ariane – I like the Fatal Attraction pics too! @Richard -about movies, I can think of a few. FYI, in case you are interested, I have almost two dozen Hollywood sex scenes on my YouTube channel, they are pretty hot. Go to my site and scroll all the way down where the YouTube link is
@Delin…really dude? 
Thanks Maria, I’ll check that out now!