Okay, I admit it. I’ve been a negligent blogger. Between finishing The Dream Palace (yay!), looking for an agent for The Dream Palace (meh!), pre-production work on The Book of Paul trailer (dyed Paul’s wig yesterday!), trying to get funding for the set design (help!), sending off rewards to donors (yay to you!) and being a husband and DAD, well, blogging has had to take a backseat. However, I’m going to make an effort to be more consistent in the future, and what better way to begin than by honoring the best thing that has ever happened to me…fatherhood.

When my wife Ariane was first pregnant, we didn’t get an amnio, or check the sex. We said we’d “take what we got.” We got a beautiful boy, Nic. Eighteen months later, we got a beautiful girl, Emma. One of each, as they say. We got “one of each” in another way, too. One autistic, one not.

Yes, having children is the best thing that ever happened to me. So is having an autistic child. Our journey with autism has made me a better man than I ever thought I could be. It has changed everything in our lives, mostly for the better. If you want to know why, the best place to see is on Ariane’s blog Emma’s Hope Book. My chronicle of our family’s journey is The Dream Palace, a YA fantasy I just completed.

Nic is an incredible 13-year-old. Smart, funny, popular, talented in so many ways: as an artist, writer, world-creator. This summer he’ll have his first sleep-away camp, making video games! Emma is 11 now and she’s probably the happiest, most blissed-out person I’ve ever met. She’s an amazing singer, dancer, performer, with a mind-blowing memory. Emma doesn’t have many friends her own age, and that’s probably the saddest part of being autistic. My greatest hope is that more people, particularly other children, begin having more interactions with autistic people so they aren’t so isolated and ostracized. That’s ultimately what The Dream Palace is about–acceptance. Reaching out. Connecting. Emma’s Hope Book does a much better job than I will. Ariane is helping to change people’s perceptions and changing lives every day.

Ariane is my hero. I couldn’t imagine this family life without her.  Today I woke up to wrapped presents (Liberty jigsaw puzzles, my favorite!), musical greeting cards (Kung Fu Fighting!), and the most amazing breakfast ever. Pumpkin-raisin scones, ice coffee, my favorite omelette (swiss cheese, blue cheese, spinach and mushrooms) and of course BACON! How lucky am I???

I never wanted to be a dad until I met Ariane. I once told her that I wanted to have children together because she was the only person I could imagine growing old with. Fourteen years and two AWESOME children later, I have, in fact, grown much older with her, much to my chagrin, and hopefully not too much that I can’t be rescued by the anti-aging scientists before everything goes to hell.

Older. And wiser.

Thank god. Because I was one of those smart people who was actually quite stupid in most ways that matter Example: I recently realized that my career ambitions are unquenchable. No matter what success I ever attain, it won’t be enough. It’s the addict mentality. What do you want? More. However, I found that realization liberating, because I can laugh at my ridiculousness a little more easily instead of believing the story my mind keeps telling me–that more, more, more story.

Here’s the fatherhood punchline: before I became a father, that relentless drive kept me in a state of constant dissatisfaction with my life, because I was only living for myself. Now I don’t matter most. My kids do. My wife does. My family comes first. It sounds simple, but it makes all the difference in how I perceive life, the world around me, my priorities. My definition of a good dad is striving to put the family first. I’m not always as successful as I’d like to be. I’ll dally on some stupid Facebook stuff instead of watching Mary Poppins with my daughter. I’ll tell my son to wait until I finish what I’m writing before I sign a Paypal for a Minecraft add-on. I’ll leave the dishes in the sink even though it drives Ariane nuts.

Still, I try. That’s the point. Progress, not perfection. Parenting isn’t easy. Marriage isn’t easy. You have to work at it. Anyone who thinks this stuff should come easily is probably arguing about visitation rights. What makes it easier? Love. Willingness. Perseverence. Love. Compassion. Empathy. Love. Gratitude.

A year ago, I wrote my first blog entry, which was also entitled Father’s Day. If you check it out, it’s quite gloomy, because I was dwelling on my childhood rather than my own dadhood. I had also just published The Book of Paul, which in many ways deals with the dark side of my childhood. A year later, here I go again, talking about dadness and what makes it so wonderful.

I like this post a lot more. To all the dads who love being dads, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! To all our children, thanks for making our lives matter!

Hey everyone, with 11 days to go, our Kickstarter project to fund the EPIC book-movie trailer for The Book of Paul is doing well, having raised slightly under half of our $3,000 goal. Last Wednesday, we did a radio show performance featuring two of the actors who will be starring in the book trailer. Christina Saragaglia and Kenton Fridley, who play star-crossed lovers Rose and Martin, performed extended scenes from The Book of Paul!

Here’s a link to the show, so check it out! 

Hey is that Winona Ryder 20 years ago? Heck no! Christina Saragaglia is the perfect Rose, just like I always pictured her!

Hunky Dory! Kenton Fridley plays Martin, to the delight of many fans!

On next week’s radio show, join me and guest Stan Buturla starring as Paul. Paul Kelly is the most vile villain you’ll ever come across, but like all great villains, he’s also charming, seductive, brilliant, mysterious and hysterically funny! In other words, an actor’s dream role. Listen in as Stan chews up the scenery (and everyone he can get his hands on) with some of the most insane, thrilling, diaboloical scenes and glorious monologues you’ll ever hear. He’s a bad, bad man. Oh, and I’ll be playing his twisted “straight man”, William.

Tune in May 1st at 8:30 Eastern for a performance not to be missed: The Gospel According to Paul!

Stan Buturla will be playing Paul. Yes, he has a nice head of hair but…

…But Paul has long hair! So we need a great wig that will hold up under HD scrutiny. And guess what? We found one! And guess what what? It costs a lot!

 Also, we’ve got a party goin’ on before, during and after the show on Facebook. If were not already friends, send me a request and I’ll send you an invitation.  We’ve got a huge turnout already, but there’s a stool with your name on it and a double shot of Ole Bushmills!

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…all this sounds like a dungeon full of nutty fun,  but where can I DONATE SOME MONEY TO MAKE PAUL COME ALIVE FOR REAL??? Heck, that’s as easy as clicking this link! And you’ll also be happy to know that the rewards for every donor are exactly what you’d expect: AWESOME!

And to throw some gas on the AWESOME giveaway bonfire, we have a NEW special treat for all our blogger friends and your readers. What’s that I hear roaring in the sky overhead? IT’S THE RAFFLECOPTER!

Awesome Suzie Welker thought of great way that all our blogger friends can help:

Bloggers who post this promo & paste a link to their blog below or on Suzie’s website  (blog.kybunnies.com) will be entered for a $10 Amazon gift card. For every $100 increase in the project funding the gift card will increase by $5, up to a $100 gift card or a Kindle Touch. To promote this to your readers, just copy/paste from this post or create your own post (as long as it has the Kickstarter link).

For everyone else, ANY SIZE donation helps get us closer to the remaining $1,830 we need to put Paul up on the silver screen. Ninety $20 donations would do it. That’s not a big number, so help make PAUL LIVE!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

What actually constitutes a “Thriller”? Adventure? Action? Mystery? Page-turning ratio?

Browse around your local B&N and you might notice that the Horror section has dwindled to one or two bookshelves, while Thrillers and Fantasy novels can fill two or three aisles. It’s clear that the Horror label is considered a minus to marketing mavens in the publishing industry, and yet–the Thriller and fantasy sections are chock full of — horror books!

Hmmm. So what’s the real deal? Join us this Thursday (new day!) at 8pm eastern (same time!) for the Dead End Blog Talk Radio Show Presents: Thrillers! It’s a riveting, spine-tingling, bone-chilling, ________ (insert your own thriller cliche here), look at what makes a Thriller…a Thriller. Below are some of the questions, topics and blood-soaked ground we’ll be covering. Your responses and comments are welcome and encouraged!

What is a thriller? On Amazon and most other book listings, thrillers are grouped with mysteries, do you see them as intrinsically connected? What is the relationship?

How does horror fit under the thriller umbrella? By it’s nature horror has scary action (thrills), hero/villain conflict, so would all horror be considered dual genre?

Why do you think horror became such a shrinking presence in bookstores? It seems that there are more horror books published than ever, yet horror seems to be dirty word in publishing and most books that are clearly horror end up on the Thriller shelves. So this is clearly a marketing move made by publishers and bookstores who seem to think that horror is dead. But given that popular culture/film/TV has gone gaga over zombies, vampires, etc, are they just out of touch with what people want? Do you think this trend will continue or will horror bounce back, get more respect from the big publishing houses and end up marketed as such?

What makes a great thriller? What’s your essential checklist? Here’s mine:

-       Great villain

-       Hero you can really cheer for

-       High stakes (including a love interest/strong personal ties for the hero)

-       Suspense and pacing

-       Page-turner.Whether mysteries need to be solved or clever strategies to thwart the villain, reader must be riveted every step of the way.

-       Surprising plot twists (non-formulaic) and avoidance of clichés

-       No plot holes or unbelievable actions that throw you out of the story

-       Great action scenes

-       Climactic battle/ending that really delivers

There are so many kinds of Thrillers. Here are some categories listed by Reader’s Digest. Noticeably absent, The Horror Thriller, though some of the books they select in these categories are, in fact, horror novels:

1. The Spy Thriller 


2. The Techno Thriller

3. The Classic Thriller

4. The Psychological Suspense Thriller

5. The Legal Thriller

6. The Medical Thriller 

7. The Sci-Fi Thriller 

8. The Military Thriller

9. The True-Crime Thriller

10. The Action / Adventure Thriller

Now check out NPR’s audience picks (happen to agree with many of these and how many horror? 15%).

Here are a few of my favorite literary thrillers:

Silence of the Lambs – Harris

The Stand/The Shining – King

Andromeda Strain – Chrichton

In Cold Blood – Capote

Magic/Marathon Man–William Goldman

By the way, Goldman was also a prolific screenwriter and wrote some classic thrillers:

• Marathon Man (1976) – based on his novel
• All the President’s Men (1976; Academy Award) – based on the book by Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward
• Magic (1978; Edgar Award) – based on his novel
• Misery (1990) – based on the novel by Stephen King

What are your all time favorite film Thrillers? Here’s my top 50 list in no particular order (sequels are combined):

-        Pulp Fiction

-        Reservoir Dogs

-        Marathon Man

-        Magic

-        Three Days of the Condor

-        Bourne Identity 1&2

-        The Hurt Locker

-        Terminator/Terminator 2

-        Alien/Aliens

-        Dressed to Kill

-        Carrie

-        Rear Window

-        Psycho

-        North by Northwest

-        Thief

-        Angel Heart

-        Total Recall

-        The Matrix

-        Goodfellows

-        Memento

-        True Romance

-        True Lies

-        A History of Violence

-        Eastern Promises

-        The Usual Suspects

-        Avatar

-        Blade Runner

-        Minority Report

-        Jaws

-        Constantine

-        Out of Sight

-        Taxi Driver

-        The Thing (original)

-        The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 (original)

-        The Evil Dead 1/2

-        iRobot

-        Xmen II

-        A Clockwork Orange

-        Predator / Predator 2

-        Hellboy I & II

-        The Fly

-        Pitch Black

-        The Conversation

-        Silence of the lambs

-        Chinatown

-        No Country for Old Men

-        Fargo

-        Devil’s Advocate

-        Jacob’s Ladder

-        The Tenant

Okay, time for you to weigh in–and tune in–to the Dead End Blog Talk Radio Show Presents: Thrillers!

Oh and if you’re in the mood for a really intense thriller, you might consider reading (or reading) The Book of Paul!

I’ve always believed that any good vs. evil tale is only as good as the evil. The best villains are the ones you end up rooting for—the ultimate guilty pleasure.  You want them to survive, so you can get another unhealthy dose of fear and loathing down the road.

Check out the following links for various lists of the top literary villains of all time and the top film villains of all time. I’ve included three lists in each category to point out the overlap of critical consensus. In literary fiction, many of the same names keep popping up. Ditto with the film villains. Which are your favorite villains from each list (or your own write-ins)?

Literature:

http://bit.ly/W1Kuzn

http://bit.ly/12SwLxE

http://bit.ly/Yf6Ixw

Film:

http://bit.ly/12SyYsQ

http://bit.ly/WzHTif

http://bit.ly/XPBe4N

When I reviewed these lists my overwhelming takeaway was: on the average, the film villains are so much more memorable than the literary villains. There are many exceptions of course. Shakespeare really knew how to write a good villain. But for so many of the literary picks, my reaction was a shrugged, “meh.” Maybe it’s the compressed time frame of a film that brings out the best in a writer. You’ve got two hours to scar someone’s psyche forever, as opposed to 300+ pages. Another factor is the collaborative nature of film. The actor and director do a lot of the heavy lifting in making a screen villain so compelling.

What makes a great villain? Here’s my critical checklist (Most of these reference points are cinematic because…see above):

1. Percentage of “screen time”. Whether the villain is cinematic or literary, if the villain rarely appears, you’re ultimately dealing with a thin character, sometimes paper-thin. Take Voldemort for example. Please. He’s on every one of the literary and film lists, but out of thousands of pages in the Harry Potter series, and eight films, how much screen time does he get? A pittance. Another area where the V man falls short is:
2. Set Pieces: For those who haven’t heard this term, a set piece is cinemese for killer scenes that make a movie shine and become engraved in your brain until you draw your last breath. The more set pieces that occur in a book or film, the higher my ranking. Oh, and Voldmort? Roll off a view of your favorite set pieces in 4,224 pages. Hmmmm…yeah, I thought so.
3. Memorable dialog: Zingers. Bone-chilling threats. Great exit lines. Operatic monologues. For a villain to be truly great, it’s not just what they do, it’s what they say. Richard III, Iago, Othello. Once again, I defy anyone reading this to not be able to recite verbatim some of your favorite villain’s best lines.
4. Charisma: Charm. Humor. Intelligence. Wit. Flamboyance. Theatricality. Grandstanding. Scenery-chewing. Megalomania. For me, all these qualities matter most when creating a villain or enjoying one. I want to be riveted every time the villain appears. That’s not going to happen with some one-note boogeyman or grunting numbskull.
5. Complex characterization: Good villain: The Terminator. Great Villain: Hannibal Lecter. It’s possible to have a compelling one-dimensional villain, but personally, I prefer a multi-layered monster that’s unpredictable, perhaps even unfathomable.
6. Sadism: this is where most people get all wishy-washy and apologetic in discussing their favorite villains. Because ALL the great villains are sadistic. They take great pleasure in others’ misfortune. They think up ingenious ways to make their victims suffer. It’s very uncomfortable for any decent person to fess-up to their fondness for a reprehensible character who is causing such tremendous suffering.  But…there you have it.
7. Despicableness: I could probably file this under sadism, but for me, this connotes an across-the-board contempt for all humanity, of all things “other.”  A great villain will commit the worst possible offenses whenever the opportunity arises.
8. Humanity: I want a villain I can get inside. Mr. Smith in The Matrix or HAL 2000 aren’t human, but they make me feel my own humanity through the emotional depth of their despicability.
9. A ray of goodness. Only a ray, mind you. I don’t want my villain getting all Darth Vadery at the end. But I do want to see that glimpse of “what might have been” – the road not travelled.
10. Motivation: Every great villain has an ax that needs grinding…and a person or world population he/she wants to grind it on.
11. Entitlement: All the best villains feel completely entitled to behave exactly as they see fit, and fell 100% entitled to the nefarious goals they seek to achieve.

Can you identify all the villains below? Any stump you?

“Hello my pretty!”

“Here’s my card.”

“I’ll be back.”

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

“Call it. Heads or tails.”

“Didn’t remember me right off, did you? Well, I guess I‘ve changed a little.”

“I’ve done far worse than kill you Admiral. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you I shall leave you as you left me as you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive.”

“I will not be ignored!”

“Never send a human to do a machine’s job.”

“Don’t look at me!”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. “

“Quid pro quo. Yes or no?”

” I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint. “

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

“Oh I almost forgot. He payed me a thousand. I think his idea was that I kill you. But you know the pity is when I’m paid, I always follow my job through. You know that. “

“There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.”

Okay, your turn to weigh in on all things villainous. Leave your evil comments below! And make sure you don’t miss our special 2 hour blog radio show, The Dead End on Wednesday, April 3rd 8pm-10pm Eastern time. The topic? VILLAINS!

Just click this link for the show and if you can’t make it LIVE, it will be archived later for you to listen to like any villain would: WHENEVER THE HELL YOU WANT!

So before I wave my sickle in a fond farewell, I’m sure you’re dying to know my favorite villain of all time. Why, I thought you’d never ask! Or need to ask! I’d stack Paul Kelly from The Book of Paul up against any of the desperados above! For those who’ve read The Book of Paul, how would you rank Paul? And for those who haven’t–WTF are you waiting for? Start reading tonight when you’re nice and cozy and safe in your bed. Then tell me how you feel about Paul tomorrow.

If you get a good night’s sleep.

I’ve been known to say that I don’t suffer fools gladly, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes I don’t suffer at all. Take these ladies and gentlemen for example. Please. Here’s a Best of Collection” from my Nation of Idiots posts plus some new favorites:

Organic nipple clamp.

What’s that smell? Oh yeah, eau de toilette.

Trick or…BOOM!

He’s gonna make it! He’s gonna make it! He’s…not gonna make it.

He’s not gonna make it either.

“If I can just…remove the firing pin…I think we’ll be okay.”

Grapefruit too?

Mommy, do I hafta?

“On this day, I do…pretty much anything!”

Why don’t they make brims on both sides???

Indeed sir.

At least i’ll never get tongue cancer

Good kitty!

Good sharky!

Asshat? Uh huh.

It’s my pool and I’ll die if I wanna…

Happy April Fools Day!

Come again? Sure, but you have to wait until Easter! Badoomboom! But seriously folks, Thank God It’s Good Friday! Why? What’s so Good about Good Friday? Wellllll…as all those who’ve have read The Book of Paul know, most of  the action in the story takes place between Holy Thursday (what’s for dinner? Roast rump!) and Good Friday. And for everyone who hasn’t read The Book of Paul, now it’s on sale for 50% off until roll-away-the-stone day! That’s only $1.99 — the price of a tall Starbucks coffee as opposed to the regular $3.99 grande latte price. Wow! What a deal! Yes, indeed it is. And it’s available only on Amazon http://amzn.to/LJf2nX so tell your friends, family, creditors and rival clan members that they better take advantage of this once-in-a-weekend opportunity, before Paul decides he doesn’t feel quite so generous anymore.

Okay. Now that we’ve made your weekend a whole lot darker by spreading the gospel according to Paul, let’s zero in on that gloomiest of all religious HolyDays–Friday the Good. Being a former altar boy educated by friendly nuns and way-friendlier priests, I’ve been well indoctrinated in the Party Line position of the Church regarding the significance of Good Friday, which can be summed up as: Christ HAD to die to cleanse us all from Original Sin®.

HOWEVER, since we all continue to be born with Original Sin®, and therefore have to be baptized to RE-cleanse ourselves (otherwise we will surely burn in hell for all eternity), I’m still a little cloudy on the “HAD to die” reasoning. Another thing that doesn’t quite add up for me is the whole “on the third day He shall rise again” bit. Admitedly, I’m no math whiz, but if Jesus died at 3:15 in the afternoon of Friday and was out of the tomb at sunrise on Easter, that comes to…wait a sec, let me get my calculator…um…okay, got it: about 39 hours. Hmmmm. Weird, huh?

Oh well, I guess you gotta have faith. Or alternatives. I have a few of those. In fact I created an entire mythology for The Book of Paul that goes all the way back to the dawn of creation and all the way forward to the apocalypse revealed in…yes, you guessed it…The Book of Paul. A heck of a lot of research went into TBOP because it is: A. the first volume of  seven volumes in a sweeping mythological narrative tracing the mystical connections between Hermes Trismegistus in ancient Egypt, Sophia, the female counterpart of Christ, and the Celtic druids of Clan Kelly (I copied that from the Amazon blurb) and; B. because I’m a madman who swims in a sea of curiosity, wonderment and obsessiveness every day of my life.

While I was paddling around, I learned something very interesting: that the entire occult/alchemical/Hermetic tradition becomes joined at the hip with Gnosticism and then…Gnostic Christianity! BUT, all the OTHER gospels besides Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, such as the Gospel of Thomas, the Gospel of Philip, and the Gospel of Truth and the Gospel of Mary were suppressed and largely destroyed, except for a spectacular find of codices in Egypt in 1945 called the Nag Hammadi Library. It is believed that the wholesale destruction of these Gnostic Christian scriptures and the ancient Hermetic texts that preceded them occurred when paganism was outlawed following Constantine the Great’s very convenient conversion to Christianity. It is also believed by many scholars that the mysterious burning of the Library of Alexandra was part of the same book-burning binge.

Hey you forgot to burn these!

Which brings us back to Paul, who has a very vested interested in the truth behind all these legends because, well maybe he had a hand in how things turned out. Could the Library of Alexandria have been rescued by a determined group (clan?) of Hermetics/Gnostics? Might it still exist today? You bet your ass it does! Let’s listen in on Paul and William when William asks Paul how he acquired his literary collection:

“Where did you get all these?”

“Here and there, over the years. It would be more accurate to call me a conservator than a collector. We possess much more than you see here. We will never again risk the dangers of consolidation and wholesale destruction as in the Egyptian cataclysm.”

“Are you talking about the Library of Alexandria?”

“Yes, and the Temple of Serapis, also known as the Serapeum. Many of the most important texts were housed there, including the works of Apollonius. After the emperor Theodosius outlawed paganism, Pope Theophilus began destroying all the pagan temples in Alexandria as well as the Great Library. We cleared out the Serapeum first, while the pagan revolt was being crushed. Then under cover of the fire we set, the Library was rescued.”

“Are you actually claiming that our ancestors burned and looted the Library of Alexandria?”

“Rescued, not looted. You’re a funny duck, Billy. You look at me like what I’m saying is the most preposterous statement you’ve ever heard, yet you’re gawkin’ at an entire wall of scrolls and manuscripts. Where do you think they all came from? A Sotheby’s auction?”

I just stood there, unable to speak. He shook his head and marched up to the bookcase, dragging me by my wrist. He pulled out a slim volume and told me to open it. It was the Gospel of Mary. The complete Gospel of Mary. “Hhmmph!” he snorted at my dazed expression. “That couldn’t be an authentic codex, could it? No, that’s impossible! There isn’t a single complete copy of the Gospel of Mary to be found anywhere in the world! Oh, my, but what do we have right here next to it? Well, I guess you can keep that one, Billy, because I have five more copies…in this bookcase alone! Where could they all have come from?”

“I’m sorry…but this is so…incredible,” I muttered, trying to clear my head.

“So are the contents. You read Coptic, correct?” he asked, pointing to the book.

“Right,” I replied. The missing pages. Holy crap. Now I know why they cut them out. The story begins with Jesus being resurrected in the tomb. Being resurrected. Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene told the other apostles to seal them in the tomb with the body of Christ, “For they knew in Faith (Pistis) and Wisdom (Sophia) that he would soon return.”

Suddenly a great light fills the cave, the stone rolls away, an angel appears, and bada-bing,bada-boom, Jesus is back!

I guess that gives you a little taste (spoiled meat?) of why Good Friday and Christianity are such integral components of The Book of Paul. But lest you jump to any erroneous conclusions, neither I, not The Book of Paul is anti-Christian. Quite the opposite. Paul is an ardent admirer of Yeshua, although he does admit to feeling slightly competitive. On this week’s Dead End radio show we spent a couple hours gabbing with a gaggle of female book bloggers who are big supporters of The Book of Paul and we discussed some of these topics at length. Click here to listen to the archived Good Wednesday telecast.

Also be sure to visit the blogs of our guest stars:

Michelle Browne (aka Sci-Fi Magpie)

Jodi (Chapters and Chats) Hanson

Leah Brimhall: Confessions of the Paranormal

Kriss Morton the Cabin Goddess!

And lest you think Good Friday is nothing but dark clouds and sadness, may I remind you:

And make sure you tune in to next Wednesday’s show when we talk about VILLAINS!

Mwah-ha-ha!

Here’s lookin’ at you Droogs!

Join Richard Long and guests TONIGHT on Blog Talk Radio – The Dead End Presents….

 I enjoy sex. If there were a like button I’d press it. I like having sex, writing about sex, reading about sex and talking about sex. I like laughing about sex, too. Sex lends itself well to parody. Case in point — Hollywood movies. Every R-rated (non-splatter/torture porn/horror/war) movie has the obligatory sex scene — or two or three — which typically falls into two categories: the rip-each-other’s-clothes off–bang-against-the-fridge-because you’re so overcome with carnal lust you can’t even make it to the bedroom or a fairly comfortable piece of furniture; or the slow, grinding, warmly-lit, pelvis-thrusting bedroom copulation featuring numerous side-view close-ups of the star’s (or their body double’s) perfectly sculpted asses, pecs, breasts and panting, perspiring faces. Pleasssssse, just give me the cutaway to the equally cliché afterglow scene.

About to get carried away

Getting carried away

Getting way too carried away

Another innocent casualty

In the early days of porn (the John Holmes, Marylyn Chambers, Seka, Ron Jeremy years), the female porn stars were usually quite beautiful, while the male porn stars were almost uniformly grotesque – such as Ron Jeremy, aka “the hedgehog.” Equally disheartening, the feature length films all too often tried to replicate the cornball Hollywood plot trappings and mood-ring lighting, while raincoat-clad male theater patrons waited anxiously for the next sex scene, Kleenex gripped firmly in left hand. Fortunately, technology improved enough for peep shows to move in and get to the point quicker. Then video replaced film and DVDs replaced peep shows and the Internet replaced everything.

Not bad, not bad at all

Marilyn Chambers career arc

Bad, very bad: Ron Jeremy aka “The Hedgehog” in the glory days

Worse, much, much, much worse: The Hedgehog today. Note the selective chest waxing — a triumph of modern manscaping

Personally, I always preferred the stories. In the 70s, while John Holmes struggled to attain/maintain an erection in countless feature films, full-length erotic novels were being pumped-out in glorious profusion. BeeLine was an imprint I still recall.

Beeline novels: from the “Golden Age” of literary porn

A little less “golden”?

I prefer reading erotica for the same reason I enjoy writing it – I get to use my imagination – and people get to use their imaginations when they read my smutty scribblings.

Audience participation. Not so great in stand-up comedy clubs, excellent for erotica. I’m not quite sure whether the sex scenes included in The Book of Paul (or the dozens omitted from the published version) can really be classified as erotica, even though I’ve received numerous affirmations from readers who found them erotic. Actually, “hot” was the adjective most frequently used, though I write them as much for laughs as for bulge/lube effect. I’m posting one here that didn’t end up on the cutting room floor, where Martin helps Rose with her plugged sink — and puts the plumbing in.

http://wp.me/P2ujrg-bM

To circle back to the movies, I had a comment that reminded me of a hollywood sex scene that was really good. Which made me think of one: I had to reach back for this but the hottest sex scene I ever saw in a mainstream movie was Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now. Sutherland denies that it was real (http://bit.ly/LREKXn) but the rumors still persist (http://bit.ly/N1DfoB)

The real deal? Sutherland and Christie burn up the celluloid.

Care to weigh in on the debate? Can you name a movie sex scene that actually was HOT?

Join Richard Long and guests TONIGHT on Blog Talk Radio – The Dead End Presents….

Missed it?  Check out the archives at The Dead End Presents….

Chained letters (Photo credit: owly9)

I was invited to participate in what can best be described as a chain-letter blog hop. Here’s how it works: someone gave me 10 interview questions which I’m going to answer below. Then I passed on the questions on to 5 other authorswho will post their answers on their own blogs next week, and they pass on the questions to 5 more authors and so on and so on until there is some kind of nuclear blog dirty bomb disaster with a half life of 500,000 years.

The very talented author and superior human being, Kate O’Reilley invited me to this bunny blog hop. Here’s a link to her fab blog and quite interesting answers.

So without further adon’t, herewith are my pithy (yes, I do write with a lithp) replies:

1: What is the working title of your book?

The Book of Paul. Does that work for you?

2: Where did the idea come from for the book?

The first line of the book is: He practiced smiling. I wanted to explore a character that had been so damaged that he’d completely shut down emotionally. Could someone like that be redeemed by love? Why yes, of course he can! Right? Well, I hope so.

3: What genre does your book come under?

The Book of Paul covers a lot of ground: occult horror, mystery, thriller, crime, dark fantasy and sci-fi, with a healthy dose of humor and a sassy sprinkling of erotica.

4: Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

English: Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Red River during SXSW (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Paul: Mickey Rourke
Martin: Michael Fassbender
Rose: Scarlett Johanson
William: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
The Striker: Lurch

5: What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Star-crossed lovers discover they are unwitting pawns in a battle to control the outcome of an apocalyptic prophecy ordained by Paul, the villainous overlord of a secret Hermetic society. Whew.

6: Is your book self-published, published by an independent publisher, or represented by an agency?

Self-published. I had two different agents who loved it, but didn’t sell it, because it didn’t fit neatly into any familiar cookie-cutter or mold. Eventually patience ran out and voila! I’m in the book publishing/marketing business.

7: How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

When I started writing The Book of Paul I was working 70 hours a week as a Creative Director in advertising. So it took a few years to finish the first draft.

8: What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

I’ve honestly never read anything very similar to The Book of Paul, though I’ve had reviewers compare it to work by Clive Barker, Steven King, Brett Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Umberto Eco and blah, blah, blah. It’s…different. I guess that’s a double-edged sword: hard to market with the “If you like____________you’ll love this!” approach, but great for readers who are looking for something completely different in the thriller/horror genres.

English: Map of Alphabet City in New York City’s East Village. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9: Who or what inspired you to write this book?

I was inspired mostly by the setting: The East Village/Alphabet City in New York prior to gentrification. It was scary, fun, exciting, crazy, with some really wild characters.

10: What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

The best villain you’ll ever read. I’d put Paul toe to toe with any villain in literature or film. He’s the one who’s going to walk away breathing. And laughing about it.

Okay! That was fun, right? Right? And next week, you’ll have fun to the fifth power when these very fine authors and outstanding truth-stretchers go under the interrogation lamp:

D Kai Wilson-Viola – Kathy Ree – Kriss Morton – Michelle Patricia Browne and RJ Parker

AND – Join Richard and Michelle Patricia Browne as they talk all things Paul and beyond.  BlogTalkRadio Wednesday, February 27th at 9pm EST! (with the interview archived if you miss it!)

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been with a lot of stupid people. And a lot of people have been with me. We’re all capable of idiocy to varying degrees. I suppose the true measure of success in life is to keep the stupid/smart ratio weighted toward the gray matter zone. Am I immune to asshatism? Heck no!  Anyone who knows me well can certainly serve up a heaping plate of DUMB when asked to recall something realllllly stupid I’ve done, asked, considered, plotted, acted out, bet on, lost my shirt, still paying the price for, etc. etc. etc. But so what? To be is to do…a bunch of stupid crap that you can never take back again.

Who  loves you, baby?

Me. Stupid.

For those who’ve read The Book of Paul, you know that Paul loves to wax philosophical from time to time, especially when he’s trying to convince William to DO HIS DUTY for Clan and King. Billy, our faithful narrator,  is highly motivated by Paul’s blackmail threats and promises of power, riches and glory, but his ambivalence continues to infuriate Paul throughout the story. William chronicles their encounters in his journal entries which inform the reader of Paul’s true motives as each layer of the onion is peeled away.

This excerpt below is from one of William’s journal entries, entitled DUST! One of my favorites, it gives Paul the bully pulpit for a sermon about death that should give you some good shivers and plenty to contemplate. It also ends with my favorite Paul quote in the book. SPOILER ALERT: this chapter takes place well after the halfway point of the novel, so if you haven’t read the book and intend to, BE WARNED, there are revelations that will dampen the suspense. But for fans of the book, I’d love to hear your comments on Paul’s provocative  monologue. Enjoy!

“DUST!” Paul shouted so loudly I thought the ceiling might crack.

“The Bible says God made Adam out of dust and breathed His life inside him. He made him born to die. All things turn to dust in time, they say. All except a few. My children died so I could live, and earn the wisdom of their sacrifice. Now I’ll pass it on to you. All of us are killers. Each and every one. We live by eating life. Time has robbed us of this knowing. Time and our shame of the truth. We let others do our killing. We pretend goodness is better than hunger. We fear death and the pain that accompanies it. We pretend they don’t exist.”

He paused and looked at me. “There once was a spiritual seeker who found a guru on the mountaintop. He couldn’t believe his good fortune and so he asked the question that had been burning in his heart: ‘Master,’ he asked, ‘What is the greatest mystery in life?’

“The wise man said, ‘The greatest mystery in life is that we see death all around us and we still can’t believe it will ever happen to us.’”

“I can see you found that amusing,” Paul said, smiling back at me, “but here’s a little twist. The wise man wasn’t so wise after all. It’s no mystery why we hide from death. We hide because we fear it. The greatest mystery of life is death. What force engineered this necessity? What is this thing we call ‘food’? We eat life, William. We eat life! And we eat it every single day!”

He stopped for a moment, then walked to the lectern and put his hands on a giant codex. It looked like it might have been made in the fifth century or even earlier. “When this book was made, people didn’t pretend they were above the occasional murder,” he intoned, rubbing the thick leather binding like Aladdin rubbing the genie’s lamp. “They didn’t put their noses up in the air each time someone lost their head. It was all out in the open. People would fill the public squares for a beheading. Torture was a science. An art! The bravest saints would know the rapture that awaited them when their final breath was torn away. There wasn’t the slightest pretense we were any better than that. Now we have marches and rock concerts, and petitions to stop it. And slaughterhouses and food factories that hide it. Wrap it up on a Styrofoam dish. Microwave it. We pretend death is everywhere except here.”  Then he got very quiet. I had to strain my ears to listen. “But death is here. Now. In this very room, watching us. And death has many secrets to share.”

I felt the hairs on my neck tickle at my shirt collar. “What secrets?”

Paul looked at me with his head tilted. Probing me. “There are three ways to learn about death. The first is by talking about it, which leads to no real comprehension. The second is by watching it…and I can see by the look on your face you know exactly what I mean. The third and by far most effective route…is…?”

“By causing it,” I answered, despair filling me up like a giant test tube.

“Still squeamish, eh? It’s hard for me to remember now, but I had misgivings too when I was just a lad. Then I learned the folly of my ways and by hook and crook, I claimed my destiny.”

Paul paced around the room, squinting hard at me. “Tsky, tsk. Still wringing your hands, eh? Since I’ve once again failed to boil your bloodlust, I’ll appeal to your spirit of analytic inquiry. Stimulate that big useless gourd on your neck. I’m a scientist, like yerself, Billy, and my particular area of interest is pain…and death. Why does pain exist? Why are we killers? Why does life require life to feed it? What are we making when we reproduce? What story is the DNA telling? What are we struggling to become?”

“And you claim to have the answers?” I asked, a cough hiding my scoff.

“I don’t make claims. I make widows and orphans. But if you don’t think I have the knowledge you seek, why are you listening so raptly?”

“You are a fucking lunatic,” I said, rising from the chair.

He slammed me down again. “I like you, son, a lot more than you like yourself. But you’re full of shit. You say you want to know, but you don’t. You pretend not to know things you already do, because you’re so afraid of losing your most useless character trait!”

He waited for my question. When I refused to ask, he shouted, “Your compassion! You still want to be good. And what good has ever come from it? Has it made you strong? Happy? Has it brought you recognition? Wealth? Love? It isn’t you, Billy. Stop trying so hard. There are plenty of people who love life, but yer not one of ‘em. You love death. If you still have any doubts about what I’m saying, just look in your feckin’ suitcase.”

I wanted to defend myself. What could I say? He filled my silence easily.

“We all have to eat, Billy. Just try stopping. And that means we all have to kill—even those goddamn vegetarians. The only difference between killing an animal and a plant is that you can’t hear an eggplant scream. And the only difference between killing an animal and a human is the conversation you can have while you’re doing it. Everything you eat is alive. It’s all a sacrifice…and a sacrament. Even if you follow the path of the meek, one day you’ll be sacrificed too. To the worms…and to the Maelstrom.”

I’d heard that word before. “What’s the ‘Maelstrom’?”

Paul shook his head like he cursed himself for saying it. “Never mind, boy, the point I’m trying to make is still a simple one. Your compassion is useless. It’s in the way. Let it go! It’s the only thing that stands between you and true glory!”

“Glory? What the fuck are you talking about? Just tell me!”

“No. Bury your compassion and you will awaken to your true self.”

“I won’t kill her.”

Paul didn’t flinch. “Then you will die.”

“I’ll die anyway,” I said with surprisingly little fear.

“There are different ways to die, son,” Paul gladly pointed out. “You can go like all the other lemmings we sat with in the pews—robbed of the knowledge of their own divinity by the very church they swear allegiance to, completely ignorant of the buried truth their beloved Christ sacrificed himself to teach them, marked with the cross of mortal slavery on their foreheads. Or you can find another way. With me.”

I rose up and he pushed me to my knees on the pad in front of my chair. He held my shoulders down until I stopped struggling, staring up at him with absolute hatred.

“Too bad that worthless priest was mumbling today,” he said, sticking his thumb in the chalice and poising it over my forehead. “You would have heard the saddest words in all the liturgy…the prayer of the sheep. Hear it clearly now and ask yourself if you want to be like the rest of them, doomed to a fate you can never escape.”

He made a fresh cross on my forehead and shouted, “Remember, man, that thou art dust! And unto dust thou shall return!”

He let out another thunderous peal of laughter. I was so full of rage I couldn’t speak. “Get up and get moving. Think very hard about what I’ve said today. There’s nothing more I can do to aid you if you won’t help yourself. Don’t dirty my doorstep again, until you’re the one with the answers.”

I stood up, wiped the ashes from my brow and stomped to the doorway. “Do you know what your problem is?” I asked, turning around.

“Besides being crazy? Oh, what, pray tell? Enlighten me!”

“You wish you were the Devil.”

Paul laughed so hard he had to hold his knees to keep from falling over. I was almost out the door when he stopped laughing and called after me, “It’s really been a lovely time, Billy. But I’m afraid you’ve got it backwards: The Devil is jealous of ME!”

“It’s like a hand stamp from God.”

Have a Happy Lent everyone! See you tomorrow for a V-day celebration!